Friday, January 13, 2012

Moving on.

Its been a little over a year, and im still recovering. Something like that takes a part of you, and never gives it back. My father was only in his 40's. He died in my arms. You dont get over something like that.

My father battled Melanoma till he could no longer fight. I watched him change before my eyes. Im haunted.

I miss him so damn much.

Im angry.
 Im sad.
 Im numb.
Somedays I forget....
 I take that back. I never forget.

But there are moments...
Moments where I breath.
Moments where I smile.
Moments that feel wrong.

I wonder when I will be me again.

My father passing, wasnt just a death. It has shaped my entire life. People no longer know how to talk to me. My friends have moved on, and here I am, still in that room in December, with my dad.

Ive evolved into a creature who meerly survives. If I smile just right, people dont ask questions. If I say no enough, people just stop asking. If I dont answer my phone, people stop calling.

That has been my life for over a year. I didnt just loose my Dad. I lost a bit of me that Im affraid to get back. Affraid I wont get back. I built a life around Cancer. For the last 3 years, I built a life of moving on. When others were out having fun, I was at my Fathers, holding his hand, listening to him yell in pain, cleaning his home, running his errands, doing anything to make his life easier.

I felt so DAMN guilty that I wasnt there everyday for him. I watched him be the man he didnt want to be. The grandpa who was short tempered, the independent man who now needed help frome everyone. Cancer stripped so much from him. It stripped so much from me too.

How do I get me back? When you've pushed everyone so far, how do you get them back?

I feel so wrong for thinking this.
But I miss me.
I miss smiling.
I miss laughing.

So much life was lost to me.
Every holiday is shaped by death to me.
Ive been cloaked with it.
Reminded of it.
Dream of it.

I want to dream of the sun.
I want to dream of the happiness.
I want to feel life.
I want to be me,
before I became who I am now.

Save me,
From myself.

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